Defects

Wow! It’s been a whole week since my last post. And a busy week it has been, I must say.

The boss is out of town and usually things are quiet. Not this time. The phone was ringing off the hook with clients and potential clients calling with information, senior associates following up on different things, and the boss’ buddies leaving messages for dinner invitations. Since I am the one with the longest tenure there, I fielded most of the calls. Drafted 3 proposals for submission to potential clients, prepped state registration renewal for the company, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I’m exhausted! When the boss gets back in town, it will be a whirlwind week next week for she has loads to catch up on and loads to do before the next departure, which will be relatively soon and for an extended amount of time (6 weeks).

I also had a cranky day yesterday. It took me a little while to figure out why but I eventually did. Primarily it was about the fact that I grew up in what has been termed an “extremely chaotic and emotionally dysfunctional” home. Many of the things I struggle with today find their roots in that chaos; from how I react to people and situations, to my depression, to my strong desire to be right about some bit of knowledge and have that acknowledged by people, to how I make decisions and the weight I put into them. I resent that I am “sick.” I resent that when I look around me, it feels like many other people had growing up years where they were able to be children and do “kid” things. “They” don’t seem as “sick” as me. What is wrong with me that I can’t get better?! And why does life need to be so hard for me? Many have told me that I have suffered more than my fair share in the relatively short life I’ve lived. And then tonight I read this at Wittingshire:

Don’t be surprised at the defects in good people. God leaves weaknesses in us all … in a field, a workman may leave a pillar of earth to measure the amount of material removed. God leaves similar pillars within those that he is perfecting.

A person with visible shortcomings can be more spiritually advanced than someone who is free from such defects. “Perfect” people often want to find fault with others for not being perfect…. [God] sometimes allows people to remain deeply flawed in order to keep them from being too satisfied with themselves.
–Francois Fenelon (1651-1715)

Oddly this gives me comfort. Perhaps it is my flaws, my dysfunction, that God allows to stay in place in order to teach me humility.

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