Feast Day Funnies…A Day Late

Thanks to a friend for the chuckles below! Happy St. Paddy’s Day…a little late.
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey.”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then go stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, Father, I don’t.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes…I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

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O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

“Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.

“I understand my son,” says the priest, “Can you make a Novena?”

O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I know where to get the lumber.”

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Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

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