Looking for a job? Have I got one for you!!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mummy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term. Team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life:

  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs a couple of bucks.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
  • POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
    None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
    None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
    Reverse Salary Scheme: Includes frequent raises and bonuses.
    A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
    When you die, you give them whatever is left.
    The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

    BENEFITS:
    No health
    No dental insurance
    No pension
    No tuition reimbursement
    No paid holidays
    No stock options are offered
    Limitless opportunities for personal growth
    Free hugs for life

    RETIREMENT:
    A new title GRAND MOTHER and it starts all over again.

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    5 thoughts on “Looking for a job? Have I got one for you!!

    1. Bwahahhahahahaha! I love it

      CONGRATULATIONS, on your paper! Whohoooo! It was awesome, and you are awesome. Doing the happy dance with you!

    2. I can`t comment at the grade post either, so heartfelt congratulations on such a good grade !!!!
      We knew you could do it 🙂

    3. For some reason I can’t comment on the ‘Grade’ post, so I’ll have to say it here:

      WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
      😀

      Go Philippa!

    Comments are closed.