One feeling that has been with me since Mom’s death is that there is no one “in front” of me. It is kind of hard to explain.
When we are born, we are helpless infants who are completely dependent upon our caregivers. We grow, little by little, becoming stronger, self-sufficient, independent, until that time when we are considered ‘adults’ and really act like we are adults. (Perhaps that is two different times, but that’s for another day!)
We, on the other hand, have only ever seen our parents as adults. We may look at photos when they were babes, but it is very hard to imagine them as that person in the black and white photo.
They are always in front of us in one way or another; blocking the wind when we’re cold, walking ahead in the dark to light the path, having had life experiences in abundance and sharing wisdom gained, they are always ‘ahead’ of us in size, maturity, smarts and wisdom. They are the keeper of the memories of bygone days; grandparents and great-grandparents, family history, heath history and list goes on. They impart that knowledge to us.
Now that Mom is in Eternity and not physically present, she is not ‘in front’ of me anymore. As the eldest sibling, and the eldest female, I am the ‘keeper’ of the memories – at least on Mom’s side of the family and of the family recipes…things like that. It is a strange feeling. I would prefer not to be there, to be honest. But I am and accept it for what it is. I’d rather she be first truth be told.
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While writing this, another thought came to mind. As a Christian who believes in the Hope of Eternity and All Good Things, I believe there is only a thin veil which separates us from Eternity. Mom is on the other side of that veil. She still is in front of me, doing things ahead of me, as any parent would. And…that brings me a lot of comfort.
Glory to God for all things!